A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.