Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Never ghost your hitman.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
and now we wait
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.