You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.