Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me