I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
english majors be like furthermore
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations