Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza