My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Think I pulled my liver
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.