El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror