Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back