[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.