Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I occasionally drink every single night.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”