@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches