Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.