Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
🤣🤣🤣
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?