The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
These 3D printers are insane!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no