I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
You Might Also Like
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef