A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.