The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Awesome parenting 😂
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG