Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Not helping
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Sunday
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.