The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
New favorite tiktok
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.