I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”