Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
That eye roll….
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.