[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway