The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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This made me chuckle.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Professor X: What鈥檚 your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
馃
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
First day as a 911 operator:
鈥渨hoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”