[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.