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couldn’t resist
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*serious situation*
My brain:
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
welp
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.