My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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beware of dog
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you