First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Yup
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat