i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.