Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that