The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
so, is there a mister shapen head
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house