RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him