Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End