I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning