*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.