3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.