Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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Good advice.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The devil.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.