FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Just so funny
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.