Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale