Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?