Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
fair
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.