What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
You Might Also Like
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars