Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
how to have an accident 101
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”