3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
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Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I’m tired tomorrow.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.