I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
R.I.P.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The fall of Netflix
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.