son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Friday
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat