*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
We need more people like this.
i think we should see other cousins
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD