My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
🤣dope