Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning