How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
three things we don’t talk about
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Important
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?